Things change

I would have loved you until the end of time.
I would have cherished every moment of our lives together.
I would have celebrated your accomplishments, mourned your disappointments.
I would have ridden out the storms of life next to you, so you would never have had to face them alone.
I would have only seen the good in you and helped you become the best man you could be.

But you pushed me away & rejected what I had offered.
You walked away from everything I wanted to give.
You were impatient & left when things weren't perfect, when things seemed to be different than you'd expected.
You didn't want me around.

So now I don't see all the things I loved about you.
I don't see all the things that make you a good man.
Instead, I see the callousness you displayed.
The rough words, the unkind thoughts.
The way people were never good enough for you.
The way you only saw people's flaws.
The hardness of your heart, the cutting words you'd say.
How careless you were with other people, as if they exist only for you to use.

I realized how wrong I was about you.
I was fooled by the glossy exterior.
And now, I can never be certain if anything you ever said was real because I can't be sure that I ever really knew you.

So maybe the day will come that you'll enter into my life again,
You'll want to pretend everything is fine.
Maybe you'll want to have me again.
But how could I ever know who you are? How could I ever trust you again when you hurt me so badly in the past?

And maybe you'll be sincere,
You'll have realized the error of your ways,
You'll want to have me by your side like I'd promised once before.
But you may be sad to discover my heart has become as hard as you became & you have missed out.

Break my heart

You say I can always talk to you
But when I try
It's nothing but silence from you
And you break my heart all over again.

The Box in My Heart

There's so many things I want to say,
So many things that I feel,
But I'm too afraid you'll push me away
If I said them outloud & made them real.

So I'll put them all in a box in my heart,
Tied up all nice with a bow.
During the times when we are apart,
Those boxed up feelings I'll never show.

I'll keep them a secret, hidden deep down inside,
Where nobody but me can see.
I will pretend they aren't there & push them aside,
Because this is how things have to be.

If things ever change maybe someday
And you realize you really do love me
I'll take out the box, brush the dust away,
And finally set those feelings free.

I'll welcome you home with open arms,
Kiss you so gently all over your face
I'll forget all the sadness & tears & harms,
Thrilled to be back in your embrace.

If that day never comes, I'll understand.
I'm not everyone's cup of tea.
But no matter in life where you may land,
Please know you were enough for me.

And if that day is only in my head,
A fantasy I'll never get to know,
Always remember I love you but I left it unsaid
Hidden in a box in my heart tied with a bow.

Nothing & Something

It can't be both nothing & something.
You move in fallacies,
believing there can be both.
You dream up this world where we are close enough to be good friends but not lovers, even though my heart is in your hands.
This fantasy where I will still whisper all my secrets to you, where you will still know the inner chambers of my heart,
even while I lie & say I'm not still in love with you.
You think there can be honesty btwn us, openness,
while I am faking that I'm not dying slowly inside.
You see, it cannot be both nothing & something.
No matter which it is, it will always be a lie.

Breathe

Sometimes I miss you so much I can barely breathe.
It's as if my heart cannot beat knowing you are gone.
I miss your smell, the sound of your laugh, the way you look when you smile.
I miss the easy back & forth of our conversations.
I miss the way I curled up beside you & felt your warmth.
I miss hearing your voice.
I miss holding your hand.
I miss the way your wrapped your arms around me & made me feel like I was finally home.
I miss knowing when I'll hear from you again.
I miss knowing that you loved me.
Missing you takes my breath away, makes my soul ache.
I've waited so long for you & now you are gone & I don't know if I can go on. 

Fear

I'm afraid that your presence here is not for us
but only for you.
That the reason you're here is not because you love me,
but because you have no one else to make you feel good,
no one else to stroke your head & tell you all the things that are good about you.
I fear that it is not me that attracts you, but the attention from someone whose heart you know you have.
I'm afraid I'm an easy target for your manipulation, that you will use me to get your fix, until I am no longer enough, and then you'll move on again.
I am afraid you'll take my heart with you when you leave.
You've done it once before.
I live in fear that you'll do it again.

And just like that...
Your voice again on the line.
Your laugh sounding in my ear.
It was like coming home
But cautiously, held back.
I wanted to say so many things to you but I kept them inside.
Just to hear your voice was enough for now.
You called me darling,
my heart skipped its beat,
as if in that one word everything I have hoped for might still occur.
You said you'd been thinking about me.
You said it was good to hear from me.
All those things I needed to hear to help my poor broken heart begin to stitch itself back together.
A tentative phone call.
One little grasp in the dark after such silence.
My emotions are still raw and on edge but the sound of your voice soothes my angst.
Tonight I will sleep with your words wrapping around me like warm arms.

Doubt

I miss you with every breath I take.
My heart hurts with every beat.
Every moment I am w/o you feels like drowning.
I am struggling to stay above the heartache, fighting against the current of sadness that threatens to engulf me.
But every second that passes feels like an eternity & every moment hurts a little more.
I am wishing for a miracle that we can be together again.
But every day of silence
Makes me doubt that I'll ever see you again.

I can see now how cleverly you played me.
How with cunning plans & gentle words you reached out & stole my peace from me.
How you came to suck me dry of all the marrow & leave me as only a shell.

It is with different eyes I now view the things you said & the way you made me feel. None of it was real, it was all pretend.

My heart hurts too much to believe
That you're truly gone.
It clings ferociously to the hope that you will one day realize
How much I love you
And you will come back to me.

Ahh I was so foolish,
Thinking that anything would be different.
Every time you come into my life, I bleed. Why do I keep letting you back in?

You are my drug. You are my dream. You are my trap. You have me captured. Why can't you just leave me alone?