Things change

I would have loved you until the end of time.
I would have cherished every moment of our lives together.
I would have celebrated your accomplishments, mourned your disappointments.
I would have ridden out the storms of life next to you, so you would never have had to face them alone.
I would have only seen the good in you and helped you become the best man you could be.

But you pushed me away & rejected what I had offered.
You walked away from everything I wanted to give.
You were impatient & left when things weren't perfect, when things seemed to be different than you'd expected.
You didn't want me around.

So now I don't see all the things I loved about you.
I don't see all the things that make you a good man.
Instead, I see the callousness you displayed.
The rough words, the unkind thoughts.
The way people were never good enough for you.
The way you only saw people's flaws.
The hardness of your heart, the cutting words you'd say.
How careless you were with other people, as if they exist only for you to use.

I realized how wrong I was about you.
I was fooled by the glossy exterior.
And now, I can never be certain if anything you ever said was real because I can't be sure that I ever really knew you.

So maybe the day will come that you'll enter into my life again,
You'll want to pretend everything is fine.
Maybe you'll want to have me again.
But how could I ever know who you are? How could I ever trust you again when you hurt me so badly in the past?

And maybe you'll be sincere,
You'll have realized the error of your ways,
You'll want to have me by your side like I'd promised once before.
But you may be sad to discover my heart has become as hard as you became & you have missed out.

Break my heart

You say I can always talk to you
But when I try
It's nothing but silence from you
And you break my heart all over again.

The Box in My Heart

There's so many things I want to say,
So many things that I feel,
But I'm too afraid you'll push me away
If I said them outloud & made them real.

So I'll put them all in a box in my heart,
Tied up all nice with a bow.
During the times when we are apart,
Those boxed up feelings I'll never show.

I'll keep them a secret, hidden deep down inside,
Where nobody but me can see.
I will pretend they aren't there & push them aside,
Because this is how things have to be.

If things ever change maybe someday
And you realize you really do love me
I'll take out the box, brush the dust away,
And finally set those feelings free.

I'll welcome you home with open arms,
Kiss you so gently all over your face
I'll forget all the sadness & tears & harms,
Thrilled to be back in your embrace.

If that day never comes, I'll understand.
I'm not everyone's cup of tea.
But no matter in life where you may land,
Please know you were enough for me.

And if that day is only in my head,
A fantasy I'll never get to know,
Always remember I love you but I left it unsaid
Hidden in a box in my heart tied with a bow.

Nothing & Something

It can't be both nothing & something.
You move in fallacies,
believing there can be both.
You dream up this world where we are close enough to be good friends but not lovers, even though my heart is in your hands.
This fantasy where I will still whisper all my secrets to you, where you will still know the inner chambers of my heart,
even while I lie & say I'm not still in love with you.
You think there can be honesty btwn us, openness,
while I am faking that I'm not dying slowly inside.
You see, it cannot be both nothing & something.
No matter which it is, it will always be a lie.