Elephant Graveyard

I have resigned myself to alone.
I know that I will crawl into an empty bed, night after night,
I will come home to an empty house,
greeted only by the shadows of my own self.
I will celebrate my joys alone,
I will cry on my own shoulder.
When I fall apart, no one will be there to catch me,
to pick up my pieces & make me whole.

I know who I am inside,
the dark, complicated girl,
the sadness inside that I ignore but that taints everything I do.
The sullen, quiet girl who worries too much about too many things,
who feels her own inadequacies so acutely.
The girl who so very much wants to be loved but who so very much fears it.
The hollow girl who has already had too much to bear.
The broken girl, the discarded girl, the girl no one wants.

I know who I am.
Under the veneer of slick, dry wit & a quick smile is the girl who is always a little bit apart from everyone.
The one who hangs back & never fully lets anyone in.
Being alone is easier when you don't feel lonely,
and you don't feel lonely if you never let anyone in.

So I know my place.
My place to exist in silent suffering.
The place where I am always alone.
My elephant graveyard.