Fear

I'm afraid that your presence here is not for us
but only for you.
That the reason you're here is not because you love me,
but because you have no one else to make you feel good,
no one else to stroke your head & tell you all the things that are good about you.
I fear that it is not me that attracts you, but the attention from someone whose heart you know you have.
I'm afraid I'm an easy target for your manipulation, that you will use me to get your fix, until I am no longer enough, and then you'll move on again.
I am afraid you'll take my heart with you when you leave.
You've done it once before.
I live in fear that you'll do it again.

And just like that...
Your voice again on the line.
Your laugh sounding in my ear.
It was like coming home
But cautiously, held back.
I wanted to say so many things to you but I kept them inside.
Just to hear your voice was enough for now.
You called me darling,
my heart skipped its beat,
as if in that one word everything I have hoped for might still occur.
You said you'd been thinking about me.
You said it was good to hear from me.
All those things I needed to hear to help my poor broken heart begin to stitch itself back together.
A tentative phone call.
One little grasp in the dark after such silence.
My emotions are still raw and on edge but the sound of your voice soothes my angst.
Tonight I will sleep with your words wrapping around me like warm arms.

Doubt

I miss you with every breath I take.
My heart hurts with every beat.
Every moment I am w/o you feels like drowning.
I am struggling to stay above the heartache, fighting against the current of sadness that threatens to engulf me.
But every second that passes feels like an eternity & every moment hurts a little more.
I am wishing for a miracle that we can be together again.
But every day of silence
Makes me doubt that I'll ever see you again.

I can see now how cleverly you played me.
How with cunning plans & gentle words you reached out & stole my peace from me.
How you came to suck me dry of all the marrow & leave me as only a shell.

It is with different eyes I now view the things you said & the way you made me feel. None of it was real, it was all pretend.

My heart hurts too much to believe
That you're truly gone.
It clings ferociously to the hope that you will one day realize
How much I love you
And you will come back to me.

Ahh I was so foolish,
Thinking that anything would be different.
Every time you come into my life, I bleed. Why do I keep letting you back in?

You are my drug. You are my dream. You are my trap. You have me captured. Why can't you just leave me alone?

And so I love you

And so I love you.
Deeply & fearfully-
my heart can break at any moment!-
but without reprieve.
I cannot escape it-
I have run before
but once again I am captured.
So I have given in.
I have allowed you to take me by storm, against my better judgment,
to turn my heart over to you again.
I have thrown caution to the wind,
hoping my heart will not be torn apart a second time.