I am wrapped up within myself
Sewn shut & hidden.
The exterior a pretty outside
And inside is kept from the light.
I want to be able to be free
But I am too scared & fragile for all that.
I exist as two beings.
The one within & the one without.
How can I accept the status quo?
We are so good together but so far apart.
The world tumbles around us as if nothing is wrong
But everything is out of place.
Why do we pass each other like ships in the night?
We collide like stars, hot & bright & beautiful.
And then we disappear.
How can it be like this?
How can we be so close but still so far?
Nothing can even make sense when it's like this, but this is the way it is.
How I ache for something to be different, for something to change, for this to not be how things are.
But this is what it is.
It will never change.
And once again the things I want, the things that make me feel complete, are out of reach.
It's so easy again.
Like coming home.
Like warmth & comfort.
We laugh as if no time has passed at all,
As if the years haven't flown by in the blink of an eye,
As if nothing has even changed.
It's us again. Familiar & satisfying & comfortable. It's as if everything had just been on hold, waiting for us to come back again.
This is dangerous. We burn so hotly together, we are bound to combust. We are so electric together. Why do we match so well but can't seem to fit?
I am missing you again.
Loss is an amputation.
It severs essential pieces,
leaving behind a different being.
I don't still love you. The pain of that loss has subsided. The grip you had on my heart is gone.
But the piece you tore from me, the part of me that you so cruelly ripped away, that will never return. The wound has healed, the pain is gone, but I will never be the same as I once was.
You damaged me & there is no returning to the way I once was. I have to learn to adapt to the way I am now.
I have to hope that the damage you caused isn't my complete undoing.
I am a strange little thing, aren't I?
Really quite the contradiction in every way.
I am beautiful, but also unattractive.
I am independent, but also needy.
I am strong, but also so very fragile.
I am loyal to a fault, but also distrusting.
I am a loner, but yearn for company.
I am a romantic, but don't believe in romance.
I am a confusing tumble of so many things. I barely know which way I am.
I walk through shallow fields,
My shadow my only companion.
I spend the long summer hours alone.
The secrets I keep, locked away where no one can find them. My deepest fear: that someone will open them & spill them out,
like broken teacups,
crashing heavy onto the floor.
Once they are all out, they can't be put back and then no one will know what to do with me anymore.